Tonight I managed to conquer some of my own personal demons:
- I stopped making something when I realized I was messing it up
- I read about the kettlebell move I wanted to do from the 4-Hour Body
- I got back out of the house to go work out
- I braved walking into the gym full of all the super-fit people (especially the super-fit males)
- I warmed up with a real 1/4 mile jog/run
- I used the equipment in front of the super-fit males
- I watched my form in the mirror
Any one of those things is normally enough to send me howling in fear. I don’t know what gave me the fortitude to do so much. Maybe it was admitting how close I was to quitting today. Maybe it was just that the ideas had sat and percolated in my mind long enough. Maybe it was that everyone at my house was asleep, so I felt no obligation to be there for anyone else. Whatever it was, I amazed myself.
And not just with doing it, either. I realized that I can kettlebell swing a 20 pound weight for 30 reps. Next time I need to increase the weight so that I work to build up my strength and muscle mass – work a heavier weight for fewer reps. I am stronger than I thought I was. I thought I would have a hard time with a 16 pound weight, but 20 pounds was no problem, and I could have kept going for more reps, but that was not the point of this exercise tonight.
Unfortunately, this all means that I didn’t get to sleep on time, but maybe having worked out before bed will increase the quality and depth of my sleep and leave me feeling ready to get up with my alarm. Wishful thinking.
The demons are still there. They’re waiting for a moment of weakness and a rematch. I just hope I’m strong enough to conquer them again.