November. Yes, it’s November, and I am finally updating. I guess I had so much to say, and I didn’t want it to all come out as some sort of vitriolic diatribe, so I didn’t write anything at all.
I wasn’t really on a meal plan, other than the “what I want, I eat” for quite a while, and I wasn’t really working out or losing weight or doing anything that would go along with the rest of my blog. Instead, I was in a period of self-rediscovery. I took some time to try to remember what it was like to be an independent adult, albeit an independent adult married with two small children.
I was seeking a way to reintegrate a sense of balance, but that was a deceptive term, making me think that at all times I needed to keep centered and keep everything in balance at the same time, never dropping a marble from a serving platter. Instead, what I needed was more of a juggling act, where things of different shapes and mass were all in the air, but that I could catch them before they crashed, handle them, and then loft them back into the air until they needed to be dealt with again. That’s a much better metaphor for my life.
I did discover a few things, too. I realized that I need to be comfortable making decisions. I need to just step up and decide things and not worry about having people come to a consensus. When I want everyone to agree, that’s when I stall out, because I’m waiting to please everyone or for others to make the concessions to reach an agreement. That’s simply not realistic, nor is it necessary. I can make decisions and then allow people to go along with me or opt out. Doesn’t mean I cannot seek input and advice, but I don’t have to make everyone happy.
I also discovered that I can be very independent. I can live for myself and my desires. I am allowed to be selfish. I do not need to wait constantly to find out what others want to do. I can go off by myself for a nature hike. I can take a class. I can go visit a friend. I am not dependent upon anyone else to live my life. I am capable of taking care of myself, even when I don’t want to.
I learned that I can let go. I do not need to hold on to toxic relationships simply because they have been a part of me. I can cut them off and refuse to rebuild the infrastructure on that ancient site. I do not need a Jericho in my heart.
So, in all this self-discovery, I also learned that I have resources among my friends and acquaintances that I can tap to become the person I want to be. I asked my friend to share with me the diet plan she got on.
It all started with an innocent photograph, a snapshot from my daughter’s birthday. Standing behind my daughter, my friend got caught in the picture – in her swimsuit. It was… not a flattering picture. That week, she signed up to do Slim4Life, and she fought her way down from a 16 to an 8 in three months, griping all the way.
I decided I wanted to give it a try. My efforts with the 4HB had knocked off 10 pounds, but I couldn’t get any farther over 6-8 months. I was stuck at a hideous size and weight. I felt and looked like a beached squid.
I’ve been on this crazy meal plan for twelve days. I’ve lost 10 pounds.
The first three days were hard, chawing on 2-3 pounds of steak each day and as many raw vegetables as you could choke down. No carbs except half an orange in the morning and at night. No sodas. Oh, but LOTS of water. The days since have been a tedium of little baggies of raw vegetables, egg beaters for breakfast, and chicken breast. Oh, and LOTS of water. Fortunately, I get coffee, clear diet sodas, and vitamin water.
It’s challenging. It’s all about will-power. And about asking everyone around me to keep me on track. It’s hard to ask for help like that. It’s hard to look a cupcake in it’s little chocolate frosting eyes and say no. It’s hard to drink 80-100 ounces of water each day. It’s hard to eat raw vegetables. No, really, it’s hard to eat raw vegetables. It takes like 30 minutes to chew up a baggie of cauliflower. And don’t even get me started on celery! I’m just hoping it’s worth it.
If I can keep this up, maybe, just maybe, I’ll be wearing that black holiday dress and kissing my squid days goodbye.