The Food Plan

Standard

Okay, here it is, the way I’ve been doing it:

  • Egg beaters for breakfast.
  • Coffee with pink death*.
  • Little crack-addict sandwich baggies of raw green vegetables (broccoli, cucumbers, bell peppers, zucchini, summer squash, and cauliflower) yes, I know some of those are not, in fact, green.
  • 18 million gallons of water. (Well, more like 80-100 oz.)
  • Lean protein for lunch – chicken breast, fish, egg beater, FAGE Greek yogurt.
  • Diet Mountain Dew or Sobe vitamin water.
  • Lean protein for dinner (see above).
  • More crack baggies of raw veg.
  • More water.
  • Vitamin supplements.

Things I’ve learned –

Yes, I can go all day without really “eating.”  I can have the egg beaters for breakfast (and who in their right mind counts that as food?) and then snack on the raw veg to take the edge off.  Dipping them in FAGE is kind of fun and adds protein.

If I go all day without “eating,” I get really tired.  I do NOT recommend this.  Although you get to see pretty colors and the world gets all floaty, it’s not very productive.  Entertaining?  Yes.  Productive?  No.

I do best having some kind of solid protein in the middle of the day to balance off of.  Then I just attack the raw veggies like they’re the enemy (Which they are – I mean, try to tell me that raw broccoli and raw cauliflower taste great.  Go ahead.  Try.), and I manage to eventually get them eaten.  At night, I’m not really hungry, but I generally do have some more protein and usually some of the veggies I like better, such as cucumbers or peppers.  These are my treat for having toughed it out with the brassicas.  Then I *want* another Sobe, but I tell myself I’ll be happier with plain water.

If I have cake (and my passion for cake is embarrassing), it actually makes me sick to my stomach right now.  It feels toxic churning inside, even with food.  Now, most people would have learned this lesson the first time.  Me?  No, I’ve got to push the envelope.  I’m the Stephanie Plum of my family.  If I don’t have cake on a regular basis, I go just a little bit more insane.  So, for the Halloween party, I had a cupcake.  Big mistake.  Huge.  Oh, it tasted divine.  It was heaven in a little paper wrapper, perfectly moist and delightfully rich.  10 minutes later, I was in agony.  My stomach did the Scooby-Doo, “Ruh-roh!” and informed me that I would be worshipping at the porcelain altar in atonement.  Did that teach me?  Did I learn that lesson of foodology?  Nope.  This past weekend, I decided not to resist the awesomest cake on the planet – a coffee-infused chocolate work of art with the most delectable fondant I’ve ever tasted.  I preloaded with lots of vegetables and FAGE, but my teensy piece of cake, though an ecstasy on the tastebuds, was torture to the intestines.  And what am I planning to make today?  You guessed it: cake.  My dog turns one year old today**.

I also learned that milk is sweet.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, they always say that lactose is a sugar, but unless you’re diabetic and paying attention to that sort of thing, do you ever really believe them?  Well, today I followed the ‘official’ meal plan – not the bastardized version I highlighted above – and had my 4 oz. of milk.  You’d think I was drinking straight sugar!  That stuff was so sweet.  I know, I know, it’s the blueberry conundrum all over again – when you cut out added sugar, natural sugars are sweeter, but milk?  I guess so.

And the worst possible lesson?  I learned that the only thing people notice about me is my hair!  For crying out loud, I’ve trimmed down and look pretty damn good, and all anyone remarks about is that I have a lot of hair?  Jimminy Cricket.  It’s enough to make you want to throw a pity party.  Hmm… I wonder if there’s a cake for that…

_________

*Those little packets of sweetener which I’m pretty sure cause instant death in laboratory rats, but nonetheless are still marketed to humans who want their sweet fix.  Yes, I can drink coffee black, but that’s like eating a rat without ketchup.

**Yes, this is a big deal.  Try having 2 little girls.  You’ll understand.

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2 responses »

    • Let’s see – the official diet has 2 proteins, 4 vegetables, 1 fruit, 1 bread, 4 oz. milk, 80 oz. water, 2 cups tea or coffee, 2 clear diet sodas. I just am worried that if I limit myself to the one bread, I’ll feel more deprived than having none at all.

      Oh, and you can have the vegetables cooked, but we figured out that your body burns more fat when you eat raw veg.

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