It kind of hit me today:
I’m actually getting married!
It never occurred to me that this would really happen again. I mean, once seemed like an amazing thing – and something I would never, ever want to repeat. And here I am, engaged. Engaged to be married. With an actual wedding.
And so now I have permission to actually look at wedding things. To dream about a wedding. To plan for a wedding. To think about… gasp… myself.
Don’t get me wrong – I think about myself pretty often nowadays. I make time for yoga. I drink coffee. I eat mostly healthy foods. I practice a lot of positive self-talk. But to think about an event to celebrate me being united with someone else? My head is still reeling.
So the past couple of days, I have even let myself look at wedding bands. I’ve looked at diamond rings.
And this weird morning? I dug online to try to find the dress I wanted. And I kind of did. It was very nearly the dress I had seen a month or so ago – a simple, white gauze dress with a ruffle tier on the bodice. And I have to admit, I loved that the dress was on clearance for less than $20. Seriously. I spent well over an hour agonizing over purchasing this dress, which very well may actually wind up being my actual wedding dress.
And then I bought it. Just now. I went ahead and clicked “check out” and bought it – and accompanying bridesmaid dresses for my daughters, also in white gauze, also on clearance, also less than $20 (combined!) Wow. And they’re going to be shipped in the next 4-7 business days and arrive at my fiancé’s house.
I rationalized the purchase by telling myself that I had liked the dress even before I got engaged and that I would want to wear it even if the whole “getting married/wedding thing” fell through. Ok, I may not believe the last part, but the first part is completely true. And who knows? I may just like it well enough as a cover-up that I do wear it all the time and have it be my little “in” joke. At the very least, I can toodle around town – or the beach – or whatever – in a little dress that matches my daughters.
And I realized that I’m not expensive. I don’t want to be expensive. I don’t want to be miserly or cheap, but I do like the idea of being economical. I like the idea of having nice things and maybe even some expensive things, but I much prefer the idea of being smart and getting exactly what I want – even if what I want is the least expensive thing out there.
Take my engagement ring, for example. I have what is probably the cheapest knock-off ring, but I love it. It’s probably cubic zirconia and some kind of fake opal, but it’s beautiful. It looks like the colors of the ocean in Cozumel, and it was purchased in Cozumel, and I paid more than half its cost. I wanted it for its own beauty, not its value to anyone else.
If it were real black opals and real tanzanite, it would have been a $1000 ring. You know what? I’d rather than $1000 be spent paying off debt or investing in the future I would actually feel guilty about someone spending a lot of money on me – on a trinket, a bauble. As it is, I have a beautiful ring that strangers ooh and aah over. And I don’t have to worry about insurance or loss or damage, except as a keepsake of a special moment in my life. Heck, I would have taken a piece of twine – anything – as a symbol that I was spoken for, that I had been asked and had accepted a proposal of marriage.
So I may be setting a trend here with this wedding. I may be finding ways to be economical and yet fulfilling my dreams.
My dream is to have a simple wedding, a celebration that does not create unnecessary headaches, stress, or expenses, but instead creates a beautiful memory I can hold and cherish for many years to come.