At this point, I have NO idea how much alcohol I have consumed. Suffice to say, enough that I allowed my children to stay up until 10:30 pm without me pitching a fit, and still playing Settlers of Catan with them.
Apparently, Bailey’s Irish Cream is a GOOD THING.
It sounded appealing. I mean, when we got out of yoga and out of the gym tonight, it sounded good enough that I was willing to make a liquor store stop for some. And that’s when I realized I’d left my debit card at the house. Cue the theme music, because that’s when Fiancé Man came to the rescue. He offered to run in and buy the Irish Cream I requested. (At the time, I had no idea it would only come in a 1.75 Liter bottle at $50)
So we got back to his house and the girls and I settled in to let them have some warm milk and me have some Bailey’s. It was somewhere in the neighborhood of 9:15pm. And at 9:50, I called it as time to stop the game at 10:00. And then I kind of really enjoyed the Bailey’s and decided that it was maybe a good night for us to keep playing just a few more minutes while I refreshed my glass.
And then I noticed that my younger daughter hadn’t finished her milk yet, so it was a good enough reason to still have some company while I sipped my Bailey’s.
And then it was Time To Go To Bed. And my glass was empty. Sadness.
But there was still a whole giant Costco bottle of Bailey’s right there on the counter. And I was Doing Dishes so I deserved a Reward. Full glass. Bonus.
And then snacks sounded like a good idea. So far, I have had almond butter, almonds covered in burnt caramel and dark cocoa powder, plantain chips, a caramel chocolate robin’s egg, a couple of pecans, almonds, and Brazil nuts, and another happy spoonful of almond butter. I have officially decided that the world is right when there is almond butter. The world is even more right when you get to make the almond butter freshly ground at Whole Foods at the push of a button. It’s SO MUCH FUN! And then it tastes good, on top of the fact that you got to use a heavy-duty grinder like a mad scientist to fill a little plastic carton, all crunchy and smooth and rich and a hint of sweetness all at the same time. I am ADDICTED.
My cup is now empty again. Well, empty is a relative term. It has ice cubes. Hypothetically, if I wait long enough, they will melt and combine with the Bailey’s residue to create enough liquid to be sipped. Either that, or I could pour myself just a teensy bit more, just enough to finish blogging, even around all my increasingly amusing typographical errors.
Ah, that’s better. A teensy bit more. Fleshed out with more fresh ice cubes.
That makes me think about the wedding and the party. How will we handle alcohol? I mean, we both like to drink. Not to excess (all evidence notwithstanding in this particular post), but we do enjoy a hearty adult beverage with good company. I know some venues just charge per person on alcohol and you have to hire one of their bartenders. I’m actually completely agreeable to that. I just want it to be as hassle-free as possible and to have us all have a good time.
And speaking of weddings, it may be crazy, but I was looking forward to selling the house I’d bought with my first husband because it looked as though this deal was going to go through where I would be able to sell the house and walk away with enough money to cover my high-interest debt. I’ve been drowning under this house for the past five months what with repairs and house payments. I’ve been renting it out, but the rental fees are only going to cover the cost of the sewer system and roof repairs I had to have done. I’m supposed to have even been giving them more money on top of all that, but I’m tapped out.
See, Robert, my first husband, decided he’d had enough with pretending to be a responsible adult and a high school physics teacher, so he “walked.” Actually, he drove away from me and my kids without any warning, without any word, without any contact. And he took his paychecks and cashed out his bank account and went to live with his mistress Lynette in Utah – and her kids, her husband, and her dad. And Robert changed his name to Jack and started living a completely different life and created a new Facebook profile (because who can live without Facebook, I may ask) and decided that he only felt moved enough to try to contact me around major holidays – such as just before Thanksgiving, right at Christmas, cards for my daughters’ birthdays, mid-February (Valentine’s, perhaps?). He didn’t actually show up for any of the divorce proceedings – not for the temporary orders, not for the final decree. The only time he drove through was when Lynette decided to visit her family, and he tagged along. One thing and another, he missed seeing any of us because we were all out of town that week. Okay, so that’s the sob story in a nutshell. But the hard truth of the matter is that he has sent absolutely NOTHING in child support. Not. A. Dime. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing to cover the children’s medical, nothing to cover child care, nothing to cover new clothes, nothing to cover food. So here I am stuck with a house that’s in my name with a loan in his name that is not transferable and nearly $1000 a month house payments on top of everything else. Honestly, if i just didn’t have to fork over the house payment for that rental property, I’d be doing okay. But back in March the sewer system went out. Then in April the roof went out. And that was a total of nearly $10,000 I had to find. And that was on top of $4000 in taxes for the house I live in plus about $7000 in attorney fees. So in the course of six months or so, I lost my husband and his income, incurred debts nearly equal to 40% of my annual income, and have been scrambling to cut costs and reduce financial entanglements everywhere I turn. Did I mention that Robert hasn’t paid a dime of child support? That money would have been exceedingly helpful almost the whole time. But it’s a lost cause. There’s no way to get blood out of a turnip, and there’s no way to get money out of a deadbeat dad.
The important thing about all of this was that I was going to sell the one house to get myself on solid financial footing. I was going to become the kind of person financially that I wouldn’t be afraid to marry. I was looking at this financial deal as a kind of permission to go through with getting married to my fiancé because I didn’t want to have him supporting me. I didn’t want to be a drag on him financially. I wanted to bring something to the relationship, something tangible and of concrete value.
His argument is that I am bringing myself and my daughters to the relationship, that we complete his life and make him feel fulfilled by being with him and sharing in his life, pursuits, entertainments, and interests, that he has always wanted a family and he realized after a certain point that if he was ever going to connect with a woman, she would be divorced, she would have kids, and he would have a “ready-made” family. And somehow I was that woman.
Even knowing that he is completely supportive, even knowing that he would drop everything to come to my rescue, even knowing that he is my rock, I still feel as though the rug was ripped out from under me when this house deal fell through. I saw it as a way to validate myself and show that I am capable of taking care of my messes, that I don’t always need rescuing, that I am rock-steady in my own right. Instead, it was a day when he held me as my body was racked with gut-wrenching sobs, as I fought to pull myself together and get a new perspective, as I had to come to terms with more months of living lean and denying my kids some of the basic things they want and need in order to squeak by.
Because regardless of how much he cares for us, I will not ask him to be the sole provider and breadwinner. It may take me another month or two to get on my feet, but I will persevere.
Hell, I’ve lived through all of the bad days with 100% success rate so far; I might as well embrace the fact that I can live through more.
And, some nights, a glass – or two – or four – of Bailey’s might just help with that.