I realized my main problem in trying to communicate with my ex, with trying to figure out what to say to him that will actually begin the healing process, that will allow us to work together as a functional team to ensure the best for my daughters.
He’s a sociopath.
What’s a sociopath? This definition by Sue Fitzmaurice is very tangible:
- Never Wrong
- No Empathy
- Plays the Victim
- LIES & CHEATS
- Twists Your Words
- Has to Win
And so there IS no reasoning with him. There is no point in trying to lay out facts or expect him to act like a rational human being. Because he isn’t. He’s a sociopath.
Now that I can put this into words, I hope this will help the healing process. I hope this will help me let go. I’ve been holding on to conversations in my head, just things I wanted to tell him, but it’s no use. The mechanism for him to understand simply isn’t there.
The interesting thing in the above definitions is that neither of them mention ego-centrism. Because that’s the other thing I’ve noticed. It’s all about him, even when he says it’s about the kids or me. I don’t think it was always this way. I think there genuinely was a time when I was in a functional relationship. But that broke, crumbled, and disintegrated.
All I need to really remember is that there is no reasoning with a sociopath. I will think I am getting something out of a conversation that just isn’t there. All I can do is document, stay factual and polite, and follow the letter of the law.
I need to let go.
Let go of the emotional attachment to seeing his attempts to communicate.
Let go of the reactions when I actually read what he’s written or listen to what he says.
Let go of ever thinking that I can express to him in a meaningful way how much hurt he caused my daughters.
Let go of bitterness.
Let go of thinking that I could coach him how to have a relationship with my daughters.
Let go of thinking of him as their dad. He isn’t. He relinquished that title when he left without word the second time.
Let go of worrying at all about what his mother thinks or does or is. She is my girls’ grandmother, so I will continue to facilitate their relationship, but I just need to let go of caring about it. I don’t own that relationship, either.